I write the timeline. My grandmother tells me to structure. I structure my disrespect. Audience participation is not symbolic. It’s compulsory. A step by step plan of action. Contemporary warfare. Chemical warfare. I’m the terrorist and I eat my medicine on time. I collide with history in real time. Everything that is controllable needs control. I observe from a distance. Through CCTV. There is safety in numbers. In surveillance. Twenty one and the firstborn sons. When I walk by the canal, I want wind in my hair. I wanna wear sunglasses. I wanna be bulletproof. I am floating and in slow motion. I smoke Camel Yellow when I walk by the house. Their house. Their house of mutual trust.  My throat is dry. My pulse is racing. I start sweating. I will walk this path everyday. I will walk this path 3 times a day. I will walk this path morning, noon and night. I ride their faces. I will make myself calm. I am calm. Ish. I’m becoming calm. Shape shifting. Size shifting. Oversize shifting. I bleach my teeth. I am neutral. I wear neutral colors. I am beige. I am stillness. Too old to be her. Too knowledgeable about Kings. Invisible. In disguise. Incognito. In control. I stand. Spreading my legs and pushing my hips forward. I am squatting and pulling upwards with my right hand. There will be intention. I will piss strong and with intention. I expose myself. I debase myself. I will piss in the bath 3 times a day. I will piss in the bath morning, noon and night. I will piss with intention. Nothing comes out. I hydrate. I will drink the bathwater and cheap faretrade instant coffee with soymilk. Only for the estrogen and the environment. I am not genderless. I smother my skin in European fruit oils and honey. It’s Egyptian. I eat raw asparagus and masturbate to The Real Housewives. I need to be hairless. I shame myself. I wax myself. I will pay someone to wax me tomorrow.
29-04 2026 by MR